all sparkly and shit

Dear Bullshitter, *ahem* sorry, I meant Dear Jordan Peterson,

I am so sick of grown humans like you complaining about being forced to exercise empathy.

For those who don’t know, the sweet, sensitive Jordan “Snugglebear” Peterson crowed in a piece about him in the NYT that people need to “Grow the hell up, accept some responsibility, live an honorable life.”

JP

THAT’S SO FUNNY BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT I’D SAY TO YOU, Jordan! Awwwww, what’s wrong, you don’t like being told that you should change a few words in your vocabulary? Are we asking too much of your clearly superior manbrain to ask that you remember someone’s preferred pronouns, much like you’d remember their name, or that you don’t verbally assume someone’s pronouns, much like you wouldn’t verbally assume a woman is pregnant just by looking at her (“When are you due, sweetie?” “I… oh. Yeah, no. The bloating in my midsection called ascites, which is a symptom of my ovarian cancer. But thanks for asking, Bob!”) unless you’re a completely unfeeling moron (which we all know you clearly, absolutely aren’t)?

“Snowflakes, every last one of you! Why can’t I say what I want? Who made you the boss of me, you PC assholes? You’ll take the fun out of EVERYTHING. It’s just a JOKE. What, do you need a SAFE SPACE now?! Your social progress is taking away my unabated right to do whatever the hell I want!” Oh, okay, cool. If those are the rules, let’s do it! I’m going to call your grandmother every horrible epithet ever slung at the Irish/Polish/Italians/whatever kind of immigrant your white ass’ forefathers were, cool? Bohunk! Polack! Guinea! Wop! Cabbage eater! Dago! Greaseball! Spic! Mick! Yeah! I’m going to tell your mom to SUCK IT UP when I meet her and refuse to learn her name, laugh at her attempts to tell me what it is, and just go ahead and call her Old Lady, because fuck nuance, right? It’s so much EASIER to look at a person, decide what they are, and go with that, no matter how it may affect them. ANNOYING OLD LADY IT IS!

Great! Maybe I should try to speak like your people do to really get this across to you, shouldn’t I?

FUN!

Here goes!

“Left-wing bullies” truly ARE the problem, you’re right. Spending any time focused on the needs and feelings of others? Attempting to show respect to people? AUTHORITARIANS! You can’t bully-ball me into being kind. You can’t tell me that I have to or I can’t say something! How dare you fight for the rights of those less represented than I am. Radicals. Getting rid of hierarchies? NEVER! I mean, this is what THE LOBSTERS DO! And everyone knows that ocean-dwelling crustaceans (and certainly not Queen-led bees or occasional-male-sexual-partner-murdering praying mantises) are exactly the kind of creature we should be basing our modern society off of. Fighting for equality? EQUALITY DOESN’T NEED TO BE FOUGHT FOR, you fat old feminists – well, unless you’re fighting for the equality of MEN against the absolute feminization of our very culture, but that’s a totally different thing. Feminism is a useless, ridiculous pastime, based on the flawed post-modern, Neo-Marxist views of Foucault but with even less “traditionally masculine” rational and binary thought processes, their books full of women “ensconced in their comfortable secure lives complaining about the fact that they’re bored because they don’t have enough opportunity”, as you said, and that is something we men would NEVER DO. Our complaints from our positions of power and privilege are JUSTIFIED. The status quo is such for a reason, a GOOD reason! It’s the only possible way that it became status quo in the FIRST place, thankyouverymuch. We didn’t change our laws when that radicalized snowflake Abraham Lincoln decided to oppose slavery, did we? What about when those feeble-minded ladies wanted to vote, we didn’t change the law of the land, because what IS is what ALWAYS SHOULD BE. Laws, once written, can never change. No appeals, no second chances, no change, and of course, I agree with you that “the Bible is vital to proper psychological health,” and SCREW the First Amendment. THAT’S THE AMERICAN WAY!

jp quote 1

Not to mention that you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, that the single reason men kill is that they are partnerless. If only these delicate flowers had a supportive wife to wipe their asses and tell them that everything is going to be okay after their mom stops doing that (well, let’s be honest, everything) for them. Women can’t be allowed to just go for “high-status” men, because some men will be partnerless, and therefore murder. THINK OF IT! All of those men, alone, forced to figure out how else to become fulfilled in their lives aside from being partnered, or made to find a community of people where they ARE appreciated. So much WORK! So UNFAIR! Women have NEVER had to deal with rejection, or loneliness, or being overlooked. There’s no expectations on women to look a certain way, or have certain things, or be funny or charming or employed or not awful, to find and maintain a relationship, and no woman ever was unable to find a man. Never. Men never scoff at women who are 10 pounds heavier than they’d like. Those bitches need to lose weight! But these less-than-“high-status”-dudes deserve everything they ever dreamed of. These school shootings and attacks on the public could be avoided if women would just return to being more “conscientious and agreeable”, as you say, agreeing to let whatever man needs her body to use it, lest they murder more kids! This awful girl that turned that poor boy down and caused a school shooting SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

jp quote 2

Many men, a majority, I’d say, are sad, lonely creatures who must have partners GIFTED to them regardless of what they’ve done to deserve or to earn another human’s time or attention! Oh, wait, no. Men are powerful creatures who need no help and who run the world perfectly, better than anyone else! Wait.

Wait.

Shit.

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P.S. Witches don’t live in swamps, Jordan. Witches live ALL AROUND YOU *bwahahaha*

 

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This entry was published on June 1, 2018 at 7:42 pm. It’s filed under Bitchin' and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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