all sparkly and shit

DO Hillary Clinton’s Cookies Bring All The Boys To The Yard? Vol. 2

As promised, I baked HRC’s (spoiler: delicious!) cookies for you and lived to tell the tale.  You ready to bake along?  Measure out your ingredients and let’s GO!

First off, set your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.  That’s one degree for each of the points the Dow jumped the day before the 2016 election at the FBI announcement that nothing in THE EMAILS would warrant bringing charges against Clinton.  Good news for Hillary = good news in the market pre-election, which betrays investors’ preference for her as their candidate.

350 degreez


Anyway.  350 degrees.

In a separate bowl, mix your dry, unsifted ingredients – the flour, baking soda (make sure it’s freshhhhhh so your cookies don’t fall flat), and salt.

Salt salt salt.  The required teaspoon and, for me, a pinch extra.

Because I’m SO SO SO SALTY that Lord Combover Orangechunk is the president, and because I like contrast in my cookies.



Set that bowl aside and move to your mixer.  In go the shortening, (room temperature!) butter, sugars, and (real!) vanilla – beat until the mix is nice and creamy.

Next, add your eggs, one for each stronger-than-any-testicle ovary,


and BEAT BEAT BEAT that shit till it’s fluffy as fuck!  This fights this cookie batter’s tendency to fall flat, and GETS OUT SOME OF THAT RAGE.

Now that you’ve gotten all of that anger out on your batter, the remaining mixing should be gentle, delicate enough to not remove the air we’ve whipped into your batter or to damage the ice crystals in the conservatives’ snowflake egos.

Stir in the flour mixture bit by bit, mixing just enough to combine the dry ingredients with the wet ones and NOT A BIT MORE!

mix er in

Same goes for the oats and the chocolate…


ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the chocolate…



Sorry.  Yeah.  Juuuuust stir in the oats and the chocolate chips, my favorites to bake with being the Ghirardelli 60% Cacao ones, with as little agitation to the dough as possible.  Keep this dough as filled with air as Trumpista is!

Then, attempt to deny yourself the joy of devouring the raw cookie dough,

inevitably give in and eat some,

eat that shit

and then scoop small, round spoonfuls onto cookie sheets topped with parchment paper, which is recyclable and saves you having to do any dishwashing, which is KEY.

scooping cookies

Helpful hint #1: As awesome as gigantic cookies are, this particular recipe cooks up much more evenly and spreads & flattens less when shaped into smaller, rounded scoops.

Helpful hint #2: Try not to eat the raw dough, because the eggs in it *may* cause salmonella, as my hypochondriac husband will tell you.  Pretty sure he thinks it could also cause Lou Gehrig’s disease, but that’s on him and not at all applicable to the general public.

no thanx


Bake what dough you haven’t eaten already for 10 minutes-ish each, until they’re a lovely golden brown, and allow to cool on the parchment paper.  These babies need to rest for a good while before being moved, or they’ll crumble into sad little Trump-esque messes.  And no one wants a sad sack for a President or a cookie.


All that’s left is to DEVOUR these cookies like the Russians greedily consumed our classified information.  Or like the “flyover” states gobbled up Trump’s lies.

But I’m NOT bitter.

And I also DON’T have a tummy ache from being unable to resist eating waaaaaay too many of these babies directly after baking them.

The verdict: This recipe is slightly challenging, as far as cookies go, to get perfect, but follow my tips and you’ll end up with deliciousness.  Also, the oatmeal in them sort of takes them out of the running for the ‘best chocolate chip cookie’ (which my mom’s version of the Toll House recipe wins every.  single.  time.) but that’s just fine with me – they’re half chocolate chip, half oatmeal, and all delicious.  Bipartisan, if you will.


And now, the recipe, without obnoxious pics of me in my kitchen.

Hillary Clinton’s Chocolate Chip Cookies (with slight tweaks by moi)

  • 1 1/2 cups unsifted all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 cup solid vegetable shortening
  • 1/2 cup unsalted butter
  • 1 cup firmly packed light-brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 cups rolled old-fashioned oats
  • 2 cups Ghirardelli 60% Cacao chocolate chips 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Combine flour, salt and baking soda in a small bowl and set aside.

Beat together shortening, butter, sugars and vanilla in large bowl with electric mixer until creamy.  Add eggs and BEAT IT until light and fluffy.

Gradually mix in flour mixture, then stir in rolled oats and then chocolate chips. Do not overmix in these steps!

Drop batter by rounded teaspoonsfuls onto baking sheets lined with parchment paper. Bake for 10 minutes or till golden.  Let cool on parchment paper for 3 minutes before moving cookies.



This entry was published on May 27, 2017 at 2:18 pm. It’s filed under Bitchin' and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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