all sparkly and shit

15 Things I WON’T Miss About New York

As a kid, when I dreamed about moving to New York, I imagined it like this:

Now? I’m more like “New York, New York, it’s a helluva town – the rent is up and the G train is down!”  (Sorry.  That one was pretty lame.)

Why am I so anti-NYC right now, you ask?  Well, friends, when you live in this dear, shitty metropolis, it is a necessity that you escape the madness at times, get out of the city and breathe some fresh air and renew your love for the hustle and bustle that you pay so dearly for in so many ways.  What’s funny is that I am getting to the point where when I escape, I look around and think, “Wow, this is pretty nice! Why the hell am I going back to the city at all?!” like I am now, just having returned from a week of breathing in the cool Cleveland-in-the-fall air that smells of burning leaves and the crispness of the first frost and so many other things in that city that I love so much.  So in that spirit, I present to you 15 things that I WILL NOT miss about NYC when I do eventually, inevitably flee to the Cleve.

1. Roaches

I know they exist everywhere, but my cats should not have to share their food with roaches the size of a deck of cards.  I don’t want to look to the left as I’m peeing and see one sitting in my tub staring at me, one so big I can see the expression on his evil little face.  I should not then have to run screaming from the room just in time for my dear husband to come running in with a wad of paper towels to make the bad bug go away.  Should.  Not.  Have.  To.  If I want to deal with gigantic insects, I’ll at least move to Florida and enjoy a side of beach with my bugs.

2. $18 cocktails

3. Wide-sitter bros

bros copy
photo via this amazing tumblr you should visit:

I’ve talked about these d-bags before, so I won’t explain this one in too much depth other than to say NOPE.  I’ve started sitting EXACTLY how the person is sitting next to me (because I’m a ragey bitch who ISN’T GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE) and you should SEE the indignant reactions I get from brosephs who need 76% more space than I do for their GIGANTIC MANHOODS.  Ha.

4. “Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Showtime!”

5. The rent

Because it’s TOO DAMN HIGH.

6. The smell

Smell-map-NYT copy
photo via the ny times:

UUUUGH THE SMELL, Y’ALL.  Oh lawd.  Rotting trash, dead rats and mice, street meat carts, people who don’t believe in deodorant on steamy summer days, cab drivers who clearly didn’t have time to shower before work that morning, and that inevitable fact of NYC life: the empty subway car that is empty for a reason.  For the uninitiated, our city’s subway trains almost always have a good amount of people in each car no matter what time of day it is, so snagging a seat can be a bloodsport.  As the train pulls up, we city dwellers tend to scan for the car that’s got the most space, and once it’s stopped, bolt onto that shit and slam our butts into a seat like we’re playing musical chairs FOR OUR LIVES.  But every once in a while, we spot a totally empty car that seems harmless enough, but as soon as those doors open we are hit with the unspeakable, unforgettable, unmistakable fumes of a homeless person so intense they’ve filled the entire car with the noxious fumes of their unwashed nooks and crannies to the point where eyes water, stomachs turn, and the mind reels at the very idea of just how long of a break from bathing one would need to take to produce such a scent.  Once that has happened to you, you will be forever scarred and deathly afraid of empty train cars.  Welcome to New York, concrete jungle that needs a shower.  With antibacterial soap.

7. Daily street harassment

8. Grocery shopping

Here’s one I never even thought of before moving here!  See, even if a New Yorker is lucky enough to have a car in the city, it’s such a pain in the ass to find a parking space and/or so expensive to park that they really only use it when they absolutely need it, and most of us don’t have cars to begin with.  So whenever you go shopping, you can only buy what you can carry, which is fine when you’re clothes shopping (shit, sometimes I’ll just put whatever I bought on so there’s one less thing I have to schlep) or just picking up a few things, but not so fine when you’re grocery shopping for the week.  You need milk AND cat litter?  Too bad.  You’re drinking your coffee black tomorrow morning, because the litterbox reeks, you need a ton of other crap, and you have 4 flights of stairs to drag everything you buy up once you get to your apartment building.  So then you end up going to the store every day, buying the things you need little by little, and overpaying by a large margin just because NYC.  No wonder Carrie Bradshaw used her oven for shoe storage – no WAY sister was carrying the numerous bottles of vodka, cranberry juice, and triple sec necessary for all of the cosmos she guzzled, let alone actual groceries, in 5 inch Manolos!  Thank god for Fresh Direct (even MORE overpriced), Seamless ($20 for a sushi dinner for one, but hey, the delivery’s free), and the billion restaurants this city has to offer, amiright?!

9. ConEd

10. Existing side-by-side with models every day

Seriously.  Victoria’s Secret Angels are regulars at my job.  I mean… kill me.

11. Tourists

via Nathan Pyle’s genius NYC Basic Tips & Etiquette that you should get here before ever visiting dear old NYC!

Look, guys, I get it.  I was a tourist here once too, and I love to explore other cities as much as the next person.  The difference here, though, is that New Yorkers don’t tend to drive to work as I mentioned earlier – we take the train and/or walk.  So picture your commute: sitting in the car, swearing under your breath at the idiots that don’t know how to drive as you’re rushing to get to work, trying not to spill your coffee on your lap.  Now take away the road, the car, and the cupholder, and place a group of awestruck Canadians/Italians/Ohioans staring up at the pretty buildings and taking up THE WHOLE SIDEWALK.  I don’t have a horn.  I do have a hot latte in my hand and two minutes to walk 5 blocks to get to work on time.  The sidewalk is our freeway, so GTFO out of the way!  New Yorkers aren’t any ruder than anyone else, they just don’t get any privacy or personal space whatsoever, so do us a favor and step to the edge of the sidewalk to do your sightseeing and a lot less of you will get shoved, eye rolled, and/or sworn at.  And don’t even get me STARTED about Times Square.

12. Times Square

13. Times Square

14. Times Square

15. Honestly, midtown.  All of midtown.  And a 5 block radius around any tourist attraction.  But mostly Times Square.

That being said, the idea of leaving the place I have called my second home for almost 10 years is bittersweet.  I’ll miss my family of amazing friends I’ve made here, the food and music and nightlife, ridiculously cheap flowers, the diversity, sample sales, the ability to have just about anything delivered to your front door at any hour…

But I’d give it all up in a New York minute for central AC.


This entry was published on October 30, 2014 at 1:00 pm. It’s filed under Bitchin' and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

One thought on “15 Things I WON’T Miss About New York

  1. Yeah…. Me toooo 🙂 you know you’d miss WHAT TIME IS IT? Shoot I miss it now since DeBlasio took em away 😦 looking fed to some different air this thanksgiving though.

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