…OF the YEEEEEEEAR!
This gingerbread man I made is ALMOST as excited as I am for Christmas.
Don’t hate me, but in my house, it’s already the Christmas season. See, with the NYC weather, the fact that we always leave well before the holiday to spend it with our families in OH-IO, and how time just seems to fly particularly quickly during my faaaaaaaaaavorite season, I get our Christmas celebration on as soon as Tom will let me! Not to mention MY silly ass got NO Christmas last year due to the fact that I scheduled this little thing called OUR WEDDING 5 days after the big C. You know those December/January birthday kids who complain about getting the shaft on gifts? This girl. Right here. Totesies screwed on the anniversary gifts. (Idiot.)
Rita is such a Scrooge.
So to get a feeling for how soon was too soon for Tom this year, I snuck some holiday music in my Pandora shuffle yesterday and he didn’t seem to mind, so it’s ON, son! Woohoo! You know, all of those years as a kid when I begged for a real tree (the biggest we could find in the field OBVI) I never realized that although they don’t have that amazing scent, fake trees LAST FOREVER. Like, pre-Thanksgiving forever. With no vacuuming. And much less exploring-kitty-climbing-the-tree-and-knocking-it-over-and-breaking-ornaments types of issues. Total win.
Our tree last year – shiiiiiiiiiiiny!
I’m also super crazy when it comes to gift giving… I keep a list all year round of gift ideas for everyone I love, and am constantly coming up with new ideas. I ADORE making people cry, scream, jump up and down, or some combination of the three when they open my epically perfect gifts, and I planned like a madwoman leading up until Christmas every year so I could get everyone the perrrrrfect gift. Except for the last few years, wherein my wonderful, warm hearted, charitable family decided to crush my dreams and stop exchanging gifts so we could help a needy family and buy them what they need and want instead. Awwwwww, right? Isn’t that wonderful? It is! AND I HATE IT!!!! haha. Okay, I don’t hate it, I think it’s awesome too, but duuuuuuuuuuuude. No prezzies to obsess over? WAH! My family is the lamest. Mom always feels bad for me and gets everyone a little something to open, and pajamas rock, but… I don’t even TRY gifting anymore with the fam, because if I can’t be ridiculous, then why BOTHER, I pout to myself the weeks leading up to the day. (uuuuuugh good god I’m annoying.) At least there’s always Tom to shock with a crazy gift, which is disappointingly easy. He’s all ‘NINTENDO 64444444444!!!’ when he opens Every. Single. Gift. ‘AN EGG POACHERRRRRRR!’ ‘TUUUUUUUBE SOOOOOOCKS!!!’ and then he gets to mine, and he can’t possibly get any MORE excited, so then he opens mine and is all ‘FOURTH ROW TICKETS TO THE CHRIS CORNELL SONGBOOK TOUR!!!!!!!’ and I’m like, ‘really?’ Poor guy. He’s over there hyperventilating and I’m waiting for him to show the amount of joy I feel is commiserate with the epicness level of the present I just dropped in his lap like a mic after a Whitney cover at gay karaoke. Someone save this man from his wife. haha.
This was the year he somehow got me to agree to getting a PS3 “for both of us” by getting Guitar Hero as well “for me”. Smart man. And hey, those are some choice PJ pants as well! Thanks Mom!
See? I’ve always been like this. #I’MSOEXCITEDTOSLEDONAFLATFRONTYARD
So with that said, this is a list of things I would like resolved before Christmas this year in lieu of gifts:
– The caloric level of eggnog (and how sometimes when it’s made from scratch you get a bit of egg white in a sip and you can feel it all slimy in your mouth and you want to barf but you can’t spit it out because that’s rude and um… duh… WHISKEY)
– Sexy santa costumes. I’m not exactly a fan of slutty-Halloween-costume-itis, so this isn’t too much of a shock, but seriously. So not sexy. And then some of them are pink?! That’s like those girls who buy the paraphernalia of their favorite sports teams IN PINK. What, you can’t possibly wear anything unless it’s Pepto pink? Do even know your team’s colors?! Unless we’re talking about the NFL’s breast cancer awareness week, GET YOUR TEAM’S COLORS AND STOP IT. Santa’s suit is RED. Go home, Victoria’s Secret, you’re drunk. Slash creepy.
– Those nice people ringing bells outside of stores for donations that are volunteering their time, knowingly or unknowingly, to an organization that has recently implied that gays should be put to death. Come on, SA, love and acceptance are a key part of your big guy’s teachings, amiright? Think twice before you throw your change in that bucket, all, and think of donating to a more worthy cause instead.
– That fake pine scent everywhere. Get it right guys. It’s nowhere close! It reminds me of Axe on some douche in a club, not my childhood Christmas tree! It’s like grape ANYTHING. Seriously, guys? Have you ever tasted a grape? Try again. And don’t get me started on the color. Purple is not a flavor! GET IT TOGETHER!
– Any holiday music written after 1990. Except, of course, for Mariah. And Matt Pond PA. And Sufjan. Duh.
– The fact that my honeymoon this year and any anniversary trip thereafter, which will include me in a bikini, will now happen directly after THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS. Ugh, I am a complete idiot.
– WHY IS IT NOT SNOWING EVERY DAY. I’m moving to Alberta. And then when it DOES snow here in NYC, it’s shitty, brown, slushy, and filled with rat crap and urine within the hour. I HEART NY.
Christmas picklebacks. Christmasbacks? Picklemasses? With GLBC Christmas Ales we saved from last year, natch. CHEERZ.
So play those carols and get jolly – Christmas is ON!